A few months ago I was having LOTS of inner struggles. I felt like I was being spiritually attacked, almost. I was struggling so much with almost wanting to become a Christian, but then not wanting to.
While talking to a girlfriend a few weeks ago, I re-dedicated my life to God again. I did it and then I've tried to not think about it since. Wanting to be good and do right by my parents, I want to be a Christian. But do I believe in it? I don't know.... some of it?
I know that I DON'T BELIEVE that God would send people to hell for eternity for not believing in Jesus.
When I renounce God, so to speak, I feel a weight on me. Like I'm doing something wrong. I wonder if it's because it's been so deeply ingrained since childhood that being a Christian is the right thing to be. I feel guilt because I know some friends and family members pray hard for me. Amanda, especially. They non-intentionally put a lot of pressure on me!
When I accept God into my life, I feel a weight lifted off like "ok, phew, you did the right thing and now you don't have to feel guilty." But I don't feel like I'm being true to myself!! I have to not think about religion, because when I do, I start picking it apart. Because when it comes down to it, I don't really believe in Jesus. I believe in the idea. I believe the story teaches good lesson; how you should live your life. I think saying that "you have to believe in Jesus or you will go to hell" is a scare-tactic created by man to have everyone believe their religion! I believe God is real. Going farther than that, I have no answers.
I also feel like since I've asked God into my life, I've lost inspiration and motivation for my book. Weird things like that make me believe. But you can't just believe half and not the other half!!!
I feel like this is something I may struggle with FOREVER and I HATE IT!! I just want to believe in what I believe and feel good about it.
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