I experienced something this past week that I want to remember...
Back story: I've had a--I don't know, grudge?--against my mother for quite some time. My mother has bipolar and borderline, so while I was growing up, she was very emotional and irrational. It was like growing up with a ticking time bomb, never knowing when or what would set her off. She might seem totally fine, but something like not sweeping the floor to her standards might make her lose it and go on a spanking spree. Anyway, even though she got better, as I grew up it was hard to forgive her. It wasn't just the random beatings, but it was just growing up in fear of her. Afraid to cross her path. I knew that at a point, she couldn't control her intense feelings, but not having bipolar or borderline myself, it was hard to understand how she could abuse us. Though I wanted to forgive her, I never could seem to let it completely go.
Anyway, so now I'm pregnant--something I never expected to happen to me--that's a whole other story! But one day, someone ticked me off and because of pregnancy hormones, I was FILLED with rage. I had a legit reason to be mad, but this was psycho killing spree mad. I stayed in my own space, quietly letting the rage simmer and die, but then I was filled with complete...sadness. I cried like someone had just died. I felt like someone had died, but it was all emotions. My feelings didn't match the situation. This happened two different days so far, and I'm telling you, if someone had said even a word that could've been taken the wrong way, I would've been throwing dishes at the wall and screaming. I was greatly trying to hold it in and I was only successful because I didn't let anyone get near me. When the rage left, I was completely and utterly exhausted. All I could do was cry. One thing my mother had trouble doing was quickly figuring out that the feelings were IRRATIONAL. But even instantly knowing they're irrational, like I knew, doesn't make the feelings go away. It was all so intense, that I honestly don't know how someone could live like that for YEARS. I know a lot of bipolar people commit suicide and I see why. Imagine if something was wrong with your brain that made you constantly feel agonizing pain. Imagine if your brain filled you with complete sadness as if a loved one had just died. You can know that it's not real, that no one died and you have no rational reason to feel sad. But your brain is FORCING you to feel that pain. There's a reason why they call it MENTAL ILLNESS.
I never understood it, and thankfully I don't have to suffer with this on a daily basis, because I'm honestly not strong enough. I always thought my mom was weaker than me... I didn't really consciously think that, but I couldn't understand why she couldn't just hold it together. Fight the feelings!! Now I realize she tried. We tried to avoid her, but I think sometimes she tried to avoid us, because she felt this burning rage looking for an exit and she didn't WANT to dish it out on us. What an impossible situation...having bipolar and borderline so bad and having little kids around that need to be taken care of... I'm so grateful that I don't have to go through that.
Part of me was afraid of having kids, because I was afraid of repeating the cycle. I used to wonder if I had bipolar and that maybe I knew how to control it better, but now I know that I DON'T. I have my moments, but they are far and few between.
It has not been fun to go through pregnancy hormones, but oh my god, I have learned so much!!!
I realize now that my mom owes me nothing. She doesn't owe me apologies for her rest of her life, and honestly if I hadn't learned this lesson, I don't think I ever would've completely forgiven her. NOW I REALIZE she's gone through a hell that was a million times worse than I could ever imagine. Feeling as much unbearable pain as she did for years and years, it's surprising that she made it out alive...and with the help of my dad, found the right diagnosis and medicine.
HAPPY ENDINGS! I'm so thankful that I don't have bipolar or borderline. I have the knowledge and the willpower to break the abusive cycle that's passed through our family. It's really all thanks to God, really. I have been extremely blessed and it's not my own willpower and knowledge that I can credit. I've learned a lot and not only forgive my mother, but have the utmost respect for her. She deserves it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
Holier than thou
I heard through the grapevine a year or two ago that someone said, "Lauren thinks she's better than everyone. She has a holier than thou attitude."
At first, I thought, okay, I do judge people on their actions and I don't feel bad about that (self righteous attitude right there!) I don't judge people on their appearance, beliefs, hobbies, sexual orientation (or I try not to), but I will judge someone for harming someone else (whether that be having sex with your friends bf, stealing from someone, seeking revenge on someone else, etc). I mean, don't we all judge?! So I was DETERMINED not to feel guilty for being a little judgmental and self-righteous. Because I actually believed that I have greater virtue than the average person.
Then I was taking one of those silly tumblr question quiz things and a question hit me. "Have you ever cheated?" The answer is yes. Then another question hit. "Have you ever been with a married man?" Answer is yes. I had to stop doing the quiz-thing, because I didn't like how it made me look.
I hate admitting those things above without EXPLAINING OR MAKING EXCUSES for myself, but that's the point!! We see people's actions, but a lot of times we don't see what got them there. We don't see the background story. Doesn't mean those actions aren't bad, but maybe they aren't as bad as they seem. Or who really knows if you wouldn't have done the same exact things when put in my/their/whoever's shoes? We've all done some bad things we're not proud of!!
Moral of the story: I WAS WRONG! It's not okay for me to snub someone else. I'm not saying I'm going to never judge someone again, but I'm gonna try to remember this lesson. No matter how horrible someone else's actions might seem to me: 1) I don't know the whole story, 2) I'm fucking not perfect! I'm not God's one and only chosen child or something....Who am I to snub anyone else?
Then I was taking one of those silly tumblr question quiz things and a question hit me. "Have you ever cheated?" The answer is yes. Then another question hit. "Have you ever been with a married man?" Answer is yes. I had to stop doing the quiz-thing, because I didn't like how it made me look.
I hate admitting those things above without EXPLAINING OR MAKING EXCUSES for myself, but that's the point!! We see people's actions, but a lot of times we don't see what got them there. We don't see the background story. Doesn't mean those actions aren't bad, but maybe they aren't as bad as they seem. Or who really knows if you wouldn't have done the same exact things when put in my/their/whoever's shoes? We've all done some bad things we're not proud of!!
Moral of the story: I WAS WRONG! It's not okay for me to snub someone else. I'm not saying I'm going to never judge someone again, but I'm gonna try to remember this lesson. No matter how horrible someone else's actions might seem to me: 1) I don't know the whole story, 2) I'm fucking not perfect! I'm not God's one and only chosen child or something....Who am I to snub anyone else?
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Thankful.
Sometimes I want to plant my brain into my mothers so that she would be more open minded to "my way of thinking"! HOW SILLY IS THAT?! Very hypocritical of me, I know. It's such a good thing that God gives us our free will to believe what we want. Unfortunately, people still try to force others to believe in what they believe. Thankfully I live in America and the only being I really have to answer to is God.
God reveals himself to you if you look for him. Who am I to tell anyone what their right way is?
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
"Religion"
I've been going through a lot of changes lately and I just wanted to express them here, because I have nowhere else to express them.
I've been looking into a wide variety of religions lately, mostly just for curiosity and simply wanting to be more educated on different religions; not for personal reasons. I feel like a lot of young Christians should do this, because sometimes they want to tell people about God, but have no knowledge of other religions. If you're a Christian, you believe NO OTHER religion is real, so you must be able to discredit the others.
Anyways, I haven't considered myself a Christian for quite some time. I know God is real. No one could convince me otherwise, because I have FELT God. No religion that I've looked into has made sense to me, though. I believe that God loves us more than we could ever comprehend. God loves unconditionally (more abundantly than any human could possibly love)! My parents' love for me is the only thing that I know that is closest to unconditional love. No matter how stupid I am, my parents are there for me and want the best for me. Even if I murdered someone, my parents would still love me and would visit me in jail. I know they would. That's unconditional love. That being said, why would God (the one that loves us TRULY unconditionally) want to put us in hell for eternity and have us be permanently separated from him? God does not want that for anyone, so I do not believe he would make that so. That's the thing that I've struggled with though. "If God doesn't put us in hell, then what's the real truth?"
I feel like God has been working on me lately. He's been showing himself in the most random of ways. First, I think he showed me how unconditionally my parents love me (as much as human's can), but they aren't perfect so they did not always do the best they could for me. They didn't always even try their best, because they are human, like me, and are flawed. No matter how much you love someone, you will not always treat them how you should, because everyone has a selfish nature and you sometimes default to that when things are hard. Anyways, this occurred to me while I was reading a novel that seemed totally unrelated to this lesson, but through it, I felt like God was saying: 'Look how much your parents love you, even in their flawed human way. Think of how much more I love you.' God didn't just make my body that my parents also kind of made by accident. He very deliberately made my actual soul. So that, I feel was my first lesson to open me up to the next lesson.
The next book I read was by a "medium", a person who believes they speak to spirits, and was also just a random book I wanted to read out of curiosity. This medium believes she has a relationship with God and believes that God gave her this ability to speak to Spirit to help people (to tell them that their loves ones are at peace and in heaven with God). I don't really want to focus too much on her, but some of the things she said REALLY spoke to me. She said that since she grew up Catholic, some of the things Spirit told her was hard for her to accept, but that Spirit has told her about the afterlife. The Spirit said to her that there are many levels of heaven and the lesser souls (of murderers, rapists, etc) are put into the lowest levels of Heaven. How we act towards people and how much spiritual growth we achieve on earth determines how high you get up into Heaven. BUT when we get to our level of Heaven, it doesn't have to end there. We can stay in Heaven and slowly achieve one-ness with God OR we can go back to earth in a new human body and achieve spiritual growth and a higher place in heaven much quicker. You can do this as many times as you want until eventually, you become one with God. You don't BECOME God, but you become like Jesus, one with God. (I believe that Jesus was a very advanced soul and that his life as Jesus was his very last life on earth and after his death, became one with God). I believe this is why everyone in their own religion KNOWS that their God is real. When Catholics pray to Mary or other saints, they feel that affirmation from God. Christians know God is real, because when they pray to Jesus, they get that affirmation from God. Other people of other religions know their God is real and you cant tell them otherwise, because they have felt God in maybe the same way as you, but with a different religious figure that may be another advanced soul they pray to (Gautama Buddha, could be an example). This has all just cliqued with me! Since reading this, I don't feel confusion or animosity towards God for sending people to Hell. I feel such peace and I feel like I can pray and have a relationship with him, finally!
These new beliefs I have are basically Hindu beliefs. Hinduism has a lot of other stuff that I don't find necessary (like rituals, statues, the same God with different aspects similar to the way Christians have God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit). There's nothing really wrong with that, but for me, I don't need to call God a new name or do any certain thing, but pray to him (the same God I always have prayed to). The unconditional-loving creator.
Other things that make sense to me in Hinduism is that Hindus do not believe in converting others. They believe that the relationship between a person and God (whatever religion) is valid. I wouldn't consider myself Hindu now, but that, I truly agree with! More than ever, I am happy for people who believe in Jesus and have a relationship with God! I myself, couldn't accept the Hell-aspect and some other aspects of Christianity. But I feel so happy, full, and I want to spread God's love to others as he gives it to me. I just feel so peaceful and content.... oh my gosh. Thank God! I wanted God to reveal himself to me and he did. Other people can think that I'm wrong and I'm confused, but I know that I'm re-starting a relationship with God and no one can tell me otherwise. <3
I've been looking into a wide variety of religions lately, mostly just for curiosity and simply wanting to be more educated on different religions; not for personal reasons. I feel like a lot of young Christians should do this, because sometimes they want to tell people about God, but have no knowledge of other religions. If you're a Christian, you believe NO OTHER religion is real, so you must be able to discredit the others.
Anyways, I haven't considered myself a Christian for quite some time. I know God is real. No one could convince me otherwise, because I have FELT God. No religion that I've looked into has made sense to me, though. I believe that God loves us more than we could ever comprehend. God loves unconditionally (more abundantly than any human could possibly love)! My parents' love for me is the only thing that I know that is closest to unconditional love. No matter how stupid I am, my parents are there for me and want the best for me. Even if I murdered someone, my parents would still love me and would visit me in jail. I know they would. That's unconditional love. That being said, why would God (the one that loves us TRULY unconditionally) want to put us in hell for eternity and have us be permanently separated from him? God does not want that for anyone, so I do not believe he would make that so. That's the thing that I've struggled with though. "If God doesn't put us in hell, then what's the real truth?"
I feel like God has been working on me lately. He's been showing himself in the most random of ways. First, I think he showed me how unconditionally my parents love me (as much as human's can), but they aren't perfect so they did not always do the best they could for me. They didn't always even try their best, because they are human, like me, and are flawed. No matter how much you love someone, you will not always treat them how you should, because everyone has a selfish nature and you sometimes default to that when things are hard. Anyways, this occurred to me while I was reading a novel that seemed totally unrelated to this lesson, but through it, I felt like God was saying: 'Look how much your parents love you, even in their flawed human way. Think of how much more I love you.' God didn't just make my body that my parents also kind of made by accident. He very deliberately made my actual soul. So that, I feel was my first lesson to open me up to the next lesson.
The next book I read was by a "medium", a person who believes they speak to spirits, and was also just a random book I wanted to read out of curiosity. This medium believes she has a relationship with God and believes that God gave her this ability to speak to Spirit to help people (to tell them that their loves ones are at peace and in heaven with God). I don't really want to focus too much on her, but some of the things she said REALLY spoke to me. She said that since she grew up Catholic, some of the things Spirit told her was hard for her to accept, but that Spirit has told her about the afterlife. The Spirit said to her that there are many levels of heaven and the lesser souls (of murderers, rapists, etc) are put into the lowest levels of Heaven. How we act towards people and how much spiritual growth we achieve on earth determines how high you get up into Heaven. BUT when we get to our level of Heaven, it doesn't have to end there. We can stay in Heaven and slowly achieve one-ness with God OR we can go back to earth in a new human body and achieve spiritual growth and a higher place in heaven much quicker. You can do this as many times as you want until eventually, you become one with God. You don't BECOME God, but you become like Jesus, one with God. (I believe that Jesus was a very advanced soul and that his life as Jesus was his very last life on earth and after his death, became one with God). I believe this is why everyone in their own religion KNOWS that their God is real. When Catholics pray to Mary or other saints, they feel that affirmation from God. Christians know God is real, because when they pray to Jesus, they get that affirmation from God. Other people of other religions know their God is real and you cant tell them otherwise, because they have felt God in maybe the same way as you, but with a different religious figure that may be another advanced soul they pray to (Gautama Buddha, could be an example). This has all just cliqued with me! Since reading this, I don't feel confusion or animosity towards God for sending people to Hell. I feel such peace and I feel like I can pray and have a relationship with him, finally!
These new beliefs I have are basically Hindu beliefs. Hinduism has a lot of other stuff that I don't find necessary (like rituals, statues, the same God with different aspects similar to the way Christians have God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit). There's nothing really wrong with that, but for me, I don't need to call God a new name or do any certain thing, but pray to him (the same God I always have prayed to). The unconditional-loving creator.
Other things that make sense to me in Hinduism is that Hindus do not believe in converting others. They believe that the relationship between a person and God (whatever religion) is valid. I wouldn't consider myself Hindu now, but that, I truly agree with! More than ever, I am happy for people who believe in Jesus and have a relationship with God! I myself, couldn't accept the Hell-aspect and some other aspects of Christianity. But I feel so happy, full, and I want to spread God's love to others as he gives it to me. I just feel so peaceful and content.... oh my gosh. Thank God! I wanted God to reveal himself to me and he did. Other people can think that I'm wrong and I'm confused, but I know that I'm re-starting a relationship with God and no one can tell me otherwise. <3
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Life is so good + first chapter of book
Things have been so good!! I just feel like I've been in this state of learning lately. I feel like I'm learning to love more unconditionally. I don't know if a person can really love unconditionally--only God can do that--but I feel like he's teaching me to be more loving. It's amazing. I feel such peace in my life right now. I'm not saying life is PERFECT right now, because it never is. But I feel so much peace and love in my life. You hear so much right now: "love yourself". We love ourselves plenty. We do a lot of selfish things because we love "self". But how about loving others? Trying and asking to have God's unconditional love? If you work on that, I believe you'll have more peace and actual love for yourself.
Anyways, feeling so good! Obviously things have changed in me lately and you might be able to tell. Lauren talking about God? Who are you and what have you done with the Lauren I know? I still don't believe that everything in the Bible was right. Jesus was a man, I'm not going to pray to him. Mary was a woman, I'm not going to pray to her. Gandhi was a man, I'm not going to pray to him. Gautama Buddha was a man, I'm not going to pray to him. I'm working on having a personal relationship with God, the one and only who created us, and if he shows me that the Bible is completely right, that Jesus is god and more than a very advanced soul, then okay, awesome!
I also wanted to share the first chapter of my book, for anyone who wants to read. It hasn't been touched by my editor yet (or maybe it has, but she hasn't sent it back to me). So here goes!
Continue>>
Anyways, feeling so good! Obviously things have changed in me lately and you might be able to tell. Lauren talking about God? Who are you and what have you done with the Lauren I know? I still don't believe that everything in the Bible was right. Jesus was a man, I'm not going to pray to him. Mary was a woman, I'm not going to pray to her. Gandhi was a man, I'm not going to pray to him. Gautama Buddha was a man, I'm not going to pray to him. I'm working on having a personal relationship with God, the one and only who created us, and if he shows me that the Bible is completely right, that Jesus is god and more than a very advanced soul, then okay, awesome!
I also wanted to share the first chapter of my book, for anyone who wants to read. It hasn't been touched by my editor yet (or maybe it has, but she hasn't sent it back to me). So here goes!
Continue>>
Saturday, June 22, 2013
internal struggle
A few months ago I was having LOTS of inner struggles. I felt like I was being spiritually attacked, almost. I was struggling so much with almost wanting to become a Christian, but then not wanting to.
While talking to a girlfriend a few weeks ago, I re-dedicated my life to God again. I did it and then I've tried to not think about it since. Wanting to be good and do right by my parents, I want to be a Christian. But do I believe in it? I don't know.... some of it?
I know that I DON'T BELIEVE that God would send people to hell for eternity for not believing in Jesus.
When I renounce God, so to speak, I feel a weight on me. Like I'm doing something wrong. I wonder if it's because it's been so deeply ingrained since childhood that being a Christian is the right thing to be. I feel guilt because I know some friends and family members pray hard for me. Amanda, especially. They non-intentionally put a lot of pressure on me!
When I accept God into my life, I feel a weight lifted off like "ok, phew, you did the right thing and now you don't have to feel guilty." But I don't feel like I'm being true to myself!! I have to not think about religion, because when I do, I start picking it apart. Because when it comes down to it, I don't really believe in Jesus. I believe in the idea. I believe the story teaches good lesson; how you should live your life. I think saying that "you have to believe in Jesus or you will go to hell" is a scare-tactic created by man to have everyone believe their religion! I believe God is real. Going farther than that, I have no answers.
I also feel like since I've asked God into my life, I've lost inspiration and motivation for my book. Weird things like that make me believe. But you can't just believe half and not the other half!!!
I feel like this is something I may struggle with FOREVER and I HATE IT!! I just want to believe in what I believe and feel good about it.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Lana is all I listen to lately...
I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast
I am alone in the night
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
So, I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride
I am alone in the night
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
So, I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride
I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
It's all I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride
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