Life Lessons on Mental Illness

I experienced something this past week that I want to remember...
Back story: I've had a--I don't know, grudge?--against my mother for quite some time. My mother has bipolar and borderline, so while I was growing up, she was very emotional and irrational. It was like growing up with a ticking time bomb, never knowing when or what would set her off. She might seem totally fine, but something like not sweeping the floor to her standards might make her lose it and go on a spanking spree. Anyway, even though she got better, as I grew up it was hard to forgive her. It wasn't just the random beatings, but it was just growing up in fear of her. Afraid to cross her path. I knew that at a point, she couldn't control her intense feelings, but not having bipolar or borderline myself, it was hard to understand how she could abuse us. Though I wanted to forgive her, I never could seem to let it completely go.

Anyway, so now I'm pregnant--something I never expected to happen to me--that's a whole other story! But one day, someone ticked me off and because of pregnancy hormones, I was FILLED with rage. I had a legit reason to be mad, but this was psycho killing spree mad. I stayed in my own space, quietly letting the rage simmer and die, but then I was filled with complete...sadness. I cried like someone had just died. I felt like someone had died, but it was all emotions. My feelings didn't match the situation. This happened two different days so far, and I'm telling you, if someone had said even a word that could've been taken the wrong way, I would've been throwing dishes at the wall and screaming. I was greatly trying to hold it in and I was only successful because I didn't let anyone get near me. When the rage left, I was completely and utterly exhausted. All I could do was cry. One thing my mother had trouble doing was quickly figuring out that the feelings were IRRATIONAL. But even instantly knowing they're irrational, like I knew, doesn't make the feelings go away. It was all so intense, that I honestly don't know how someone could live like that for YEARS. I know a lot of bipolar people commit suicide and I see why. Imagine if something was wrong with your brain that made you constantly feel agonizing pain. Imagine if your brain filled you with complete sadness as if a loved one had just died. You can know that it's not real, that no one died and you have no rational reason to feel sad. But your brain is FORCING you to feel that pain. There's a reason why they call it MENTAL ILLNESS.

I never understood it, and thankfully I don't have to suffer with this on a daily basis, because I'm honestly not strong enough. I always thought my mom was weaker than me... I didn't really consciously think that, but I couldn't understand why she couldn't just hold it together. Fight the feelings!! Now I realize she tried. We tried to avoid her, but I think sometimes she tried to avoid us, because she felt this burning rage looking for an exit and she didn't WANT to dish it out on us. What an impossible situation...having bipolar and borderline so bad and having little kids around that need to be taken care of... I'm so grateful that I don't have to go through that.

Part of me was afraid of having kids, because I was afraid of repeating the cycle. I used to wonder if I had bipolar and that maybe I knew how to control it better, but now I know that I DON'T. I have my moments, but they are far and few between.

It has not been fun to go through pregnancy hormones, but oh my god, I have learned so much!!!
I realize now that my mom owes me nothing. She doesn't owe me apologies for her rest of her life, and honestly if I hadn't learned this lesson, I don't think I ever would've completely forgiven her. NOW I REALIZE she's gone through a hell that was a million times worse than I could ever imagine. Feeling as much unbearable pain as she did for years and years, it's surprising that she made it out alive...and with the help of my dad, found the right diagnosis and medicine.

HAPPY ENDINGS! I'm so thankful that I don't have bipolar or borderline. I have the knowledge and the willpower to break the abusive cycle that's passed through our family. It's really all thanks to God, really. I have been extremely blessed and it's not my own willpower and knowledge that I can credit. I've learned a lot and not only forgive my mother, but have the utmost respect for her. She deserves it.

Holier than thou

I heard through the grapevine a year or two ago that someone said, "Lauren thinks she's better than everyone. She has a holier than thou attitude." At first, I thought, okay, I do judge people on their actions and I don't feel bad about that (self righteous attitude right there!) I don't judge people on their appearance, beliefs, hobbies, sexual orientation (or I try not to), but I will judge someone for harming someone else (whether that be having sex with your friends bf, stealing from someone, seeking revenge on someone else, etc). I mean, don't we all judge?! So I was DETERMINED not to feel guilty for being a little judgmental and self-righteous. Because I actually believed that I have greater virtue than the average person.

Then I was taking one of those silly tumblr question quiz things and a question hit me. "Have you ever cheated?" The answer is yes. Then another question hit. "Have you ever been with a married man?" Answer is yes. I had to stop doing the quiz-thing, because I didn't like how it made me look.

I hate admitting those things above without EXPLAINING OR MAKING EXCUSES for myself, but that's the point!! We see people's actions, but a lot of times we don't see what got them there. We don't see the background story. Doesn't mean those actions aren't bad, but maybe they aren't as bad as they seem. Or who really knows if you wouldn't have done the same exact things when put in my/their/whoever's shoes? We've all done some bad things we're not proud of!!

Moral of the story: I WAS WRONG! It's not okay for me to snub someone else. I'm not saying I'm going to never judge someone again, but I'm gonna try to remember this lesson. No matter how horrible someone else's actions might seem to me: 1) I don't know the whole story, 2) I'm fucking not perfect! I'm not God's one and only chosen child or something....Who am I to snub anyone else?

Thankful.

My mom always said that she wishes she could, "plant her brain into mine so that I would automatically do the right thing." I'm so glad she couldn't do that, haha! Maybe I wouldn't have made a lot of mistakes that I did, but I'm so glad for the experiences I've had and where they've led me! Meeting my husband, meeting such great friends as Alycia and Amanda, and the peace God's given me really wouldn't be possible if God hadn't given me free will!

Sometimes I want to plant my brain into my mothers so that she would be more open minded to "my way of thinking"! HOW SILLY IS THAT?! Very hypocritical of me, I know. It's such a good thing that God gives us our free will to believe what we want. Unfortunately, people still try to force others to believe in what they believe. Thankfully I live in America and the only being I really have to answer to is God.
God reveals himself to you if you look for him. Who am I to tell anyone what their right way is?